The Best Laid Plans Gang Aft Agley, Even In English

Pirate Guillermo and I had grand and glorious plans for this weekend. We were going to give our entire house a makeover, write the great American novel, tote that barge, lift that bale, etc.

That was shot to hell when we didn't get our sorry butts out of bed until 11 (8:45 if you adjust for the fact that we got up at five and spent until about 7:15 taking Peaches to the airport and getting her on a plane). And after a tiny breakfast, we realized that we could make the early showing of "Troy."

I felt cheated that I had actually read all of The Iliad for this. Granted, I had a good working knowledge of Achilles, Odysseus, Menelaus, Agammemnon, Hector, etc., which did help. On the minus side, it was an entirely different story that had nothing to do with the Iliad at all. The first line in the credits said it all: "Inspired by Homer's The Iliad." Not even "based on." Only inspired by. Probably by the name, mostly.

The movie was amazing with my favorite being the battle scenes. Just as I anticipated, there were guys getting it in the neck with spears, instances where the spear went in under the jaw, through the tongue and out the eye (well, they didn't show it in that much detail), at least one guy got it in the nipple.

It made me realize that there was a time when men fought with honor and dignity. Back before they had invented pants. I think it's because they were all really, really self-conscious about the fact that they either looked like they were just out of the shower or like girls (the hair didn't help), and so they felt they had to fight even more fiercely.

Case in point: Petroklas, cousin of Achilles. Don't let it bother you that in the book he was older than Achilles - they were still best buddies. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out where I'd seen him before, and I finally realized that he was the drummer for the GoGos all during the '80s. Glad to see he stopped wearing all that eyeliner. He's so self-conscious about looking like an escapee from Hansen that he spends every scene that he's in begging "Put me in, coach! C'mon! I wanna play too," and like every wussy crybaby first-time player, he ends up getting killed his first time out.

It was informative to see the difference between the men's long lounging skirts and their short pleated battle skirts. I'm guessing that the idea is to frighten their enemies with the sight of their mighty, hairy, sweaty thighs. One sight of those thighs and anyone might have second thoughts about getting near that army.

The only difference between the kings and the warriors was girth. The smaller warriors are very stringy and tough-looking. The larger ones are like armored meat. Imagine an entire side of beef wearing leather armor and carrying a spear. That was the first guy that we saw Achilles face off with. Minus the leather armor.

Then there were the kings, who all looked as though they were less "dressed" than "encased." They were all big, rotund, giant men who were made to look even more "kingly" (read: gargantuan) by studding their leather armor with all manner of very butch-looking little studs and buttons. With the penchant for pigtails, the whole effect was...like watching a combination gay pride parade and war counsel. Only these guys took themselves WAAAAYYYYYY too seriously. I saw no chorus lines, no "pull my finger and watch my skirt flap," and nobody asked if this armor made him look fat. Although, for that last one, I guess you don't need to ask if you already know the answer.

At the end of the day, even the novel plot, the silly costumes, the even sillier acting, and the hairy thighs couldn't disguise the fact that it was really a good movie. I can hardly wait for the video!