Cats

I have always wanted to like cats. Cool people like cats. Edward Gorey likes cats. I can't think of anyone else that I admire offhand who likes cats.

People who like cats consider themselves cool. The collective species of cat-lovers has developed an entire mythos around cats that says that they are mysterious and noble and intelligent. They talk about themselves in relation to their cats the way that career servants talk about their bosses.

Cat fanciers like to think that cats are aloof and discerning in their choice of companions, so the fact that the cat that lives in their household chooses to show affection to them means that they are somehow special or accepted into that cat's tribe.

BARF. That entire notion just makes me want to barf.

In an effort to like cats, I have kept cats for the last eighteen years, and I don't like them any better now than I did when I started.

My first cat was given to me by a former boyfriend. This guy made me promise that I would always keep this cat safe and make sure he had a good home. True to my word, this cat is still alive and in relatively good health. He lives with my mother who called me up about six or seven years after I had received this cat and said "You still hate your cat, right? I was thinking about getting a cat and I figured if you still hated yours I could just take him and you'd give me all his stuff, too." I was over there in under half an hour with the cat and hundreds of dollars' worth of cat accessories in tow.

I was under the impression that perhaps in order to really enjoy cat ownership one had to possess the right accessories. Like, to really enjoy my computer I've bought speakers and a different mouse and a lot of cool software.

There are very few things that one can purchase at a pet store to make cats more entertaining. The best thing I've found to make cats more entertaining is a couple of gin & tonics, but those are for me, and after that, even the goldfish are good for a giggle.

I will never understand the sort of people who say that cats are intelligent. Granted, if you put a cat into a position where it has to get around, into, or behind something in order to get something else, it might actually do that. But it's just as likely that the cat will walk halfway across the room from its challenging puzzle and proceed to lick its own ass.

And for every stupid behavior cats display, cat fanciers have come up with some sort of anthropomorphic explanation that makes the cat sound really intelligent and cool.

Cat ignores you completely
cat fancier opinon: he's aloof and doesn't feel obligated to show his affection if he doesn't feel like it
another possibility: he's stupid and either hasn't noticed that you're in the room or has already forgotten

Cat turns up his nose at his food
cat fancier opinion: he's finicky and knows the difference between "good" and "bad" food
another possibility: he's not that hungry

Cat spends all day licking himself
cat fancier opinion: he's fastidious and keeps himself clean and well-groomed
another possibility: he's rolled all over the floor and thinks that floor crud tastes good - at least better than that dry kibble shit you've been feeding him

Cat spends all day laying in a sunny spot
cat fancier opinion: he's luxuriating in his catness
another possibility: he's the laziest sack of crap on the planet

Cat catches a lizard and brings you half
cat fancier opinion: he's trying to curry favor with you by sharing his kill with you
another possibility: he's full and you just happened to be around when he dropped the other half

I can't romanticize them. They smell gross, they're untrainable and some of them look as though they've been hit in the face with a cricket bat.

But I'm told they taste like chicken, so there might be a use for them yet.