Unbalanced
My head hurts. It has felt this way for weeks, but it hurts right now.
Ever since the phone call a few weeks ago where I told one of my seniors in faith that I resented her telling me that my practice was "worthless" because I didn't participate with other people, I have felt set adrift.
At first it meant that my daily practice went to hell. Not doing my morning and evening prayers opened up some time in my day, but it's a false economy, I think. I used to start every day focused and energetic. Now I start each day already feeling like I'm behind and in a panic. I used to go to bed every night and (mostly) be able to get to sleep. Now I can go for days at a time and not quite be able to drift off.
I understand that I need to get my spiritual practice back on track, but this has really opened up some schisms in the way I think. For the longest time, I prayed daily, I lived my values, I read the holy writings and I thought hard about what it really meant to be a Boddhisattva. I understand that there are always going to be adherents of any religion that don't think beyond what they're told, and for the most part I filtered them out. I know what is valuable to my own practice, and what constitutes my own enlightenment. No one can tell me either what my enlightenment is, or that I'm doing it "wrong." That's not their place.
But now I've begun to question the teachings, not of the Buddha or the Daishonin, but of the leaders of my sect particularly. I've begun to realize that I've walked with them as far as our paths merged, and now they diverge and I go on somewhere else.
And I'm making a mess of it. I've always had people holding my hands before, spiritually. I've always had mentors and leaders and teachers giving me guidance. And never once did they tell me anything I didn't already know.
Well, I made this mess for myself, didn't I? I guess it's time to get the karma broom and sweep out the spiritual cobwebs, take the Dhamma dustrag and take off a layer of accumulated negativity from my bright polished mirror.
Nobody can walk my path for me. And I have always excelled at kicking my own ass.
If only it didn't involve getting up early...
Ever since the phone call a few weeks ago where I told one of my seniors in faith that I resented her telling me that my practice was "worthless" because I didn't participate with other people, I have felt set adrift.
At first it meant that my daily practice went to hell. Not doing my morning and evening prayers opened up some time in my day, but it's a false economy, I think. I used to start every day focused and energetic. Now I start each day already feeling like I'm behind and in a panic. I used to go to bed every night and (mostly) be able to get to sleep. Now I can go for days at a time and not quite be able to drift off.
I understand that I need to get my spiritual practice back on track, but this has really opened up some schisms in the way I think. For the longest time, I prayed daily, I lived my values, I read the holy writings and I thought hard about what it really meant to be a Boddhisattva. I understand that there are always going to be adherents of any religion that don't think beyond what they're told, and for the most part I filtered them out. I know what is valuable to my own practice, and what constitutes my own enlightenment. No one can tell me either what my enlightenment is, or that I'm doing it "wrong." That's not their place.
But now I've begun to question the teachings, not of the Buddha or the Daishonin, but of the leaders of my sect particularly. I've begun to realize that I've walked with them as far as our paths merged, and now they diverge and I go on somewhere else.
And I'm making a mess of it. I've always had people holding my hands before, spiritually. I've always had mentors and leaders and teachers giving me guidance. And never once did they tell me anything I didn't already know.
Well, I made this mess for myself, didn't I? I guess it's time to get the karma broom and sweep out the spiritual cobwebs, take the Dhamma dustrag and take off a layer of accumulated negativity from my bright polished mirror.
Nobody can walk my path for me. And I have always excelled at kicking my own ass.
If only it didn't involve getting up early...
posted by Aoibheall | 11:16 PM
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